Day 30
I’m giving myself a chance
to dance again
to smile
or cry
thawing frozen feelings
reviving dead emotions
I never meant to bury.
Finding my gift of happiness
where welts warped its golden shroud
bows untied
releasing quiet pleasures
once trapped and tangled
stifled in shame
hearing my own laughter
I’ll never be the same.
Holding my hands
in prayer
holding my breath
in fear
holding my own
in preparation
for the day when you
finally fly
solo.
In the spirit
of loving forgiveness
I always pray
because anger
begets blocks
to blessings
to peace
to freedom
And I refuse to be silenced
noosed
bound
or trapped
behind the roars
of the
wounded.
Somewhere between
love and time
I fell into
darkness
between tics
and tocks
we
muted
the truth.
But as scripture says,
“The truth shall set you free,”
I also believe
that lies will keep you caged
and muddle
your life
in madness
in anxiety
in chaos.
God
loves me
enough
to
uncage me
and
soothe me
in
His perfect peace.
He will never
leave
me
and will not ever
forsake
me.
Does my face
show
secrets you hoped
no one would ever
know?
Or have I kept your
rusted anchors
down
low
where
genuine, honest, compassionate, kind, forgiving
love
should grow?
Being honest
with myself
permits me to accept
each time
your words cut
each time
my heart cried
each time
I believed
your lies
and knew some day
you’d see.
With open eyes
and clarity
my steps
leave prints
on new paths
toward destinations
where no hesitation
no condemnation
no frustration
can impede
what is meant to be
for me.
Sometimes
I feel God in the driver’s seat
holding me under His wing
around every turn
every hill
up or down
Then there are those moments
when His silence prevails
waiting for me
to take the wheel
and I know
He trusts me
when I drive.
I’m taking care of me
designing my future
painting pictures
in vibrant colors
writing poems
with high-definition
emotions
and looking in my eyes
without tears.
No more black-out years
no more financial fears
no more eggshells
to walk on
no more
denying me
for you.
I can’t be what I once was
I can’t become
who I’m destined to be
unless I replace
the life I can’t live
with one that
I can.
My new normal
embraces mornings
smiles in sunshine
heals after prayers
and tucks me in
layers
of
love.
I never knew
the power of preferred silence
meditating on the moment
listening to musical heartbeats
and sleeping soundly
in my own peaceful rhythms.
Waking to prayers of gratitude
sparkles of dust
dance on morning sunbeams
reminding me of spirits
that moved
while I slept.
Hate when my dreams
still spit fire
because it means
my sanity sessions
remain mandatory
until I awaken
to white smoke.
So many anticipations
of uncertainties
of victories
of falling facades
and sandcastles I kicked over
rebuilding belief
in the power of loving
myself.
In my private womb
preparing
to push
way down
through the canal
where renaissance
awaits.
My heart will beat melodic rhythms
and new favorite songs
will color rainbows
on walls
where faded pictures
of my old story
once hung.
I won’t ever deny
28 chapters
of my truth
with plot twists
and characters
who change
amidst a climax
of unexpected endings.
My spirit thrives
while carrying burdens
while covering inadequacies
while choking back tears
while building walls
that eventually come
tumbling
down
my spirit thrives.
Like the phoenix
rising
like the sun
I ascend
in a pink-ribboned sky
of limitless
possibilities.
Like the innocence
of a child
believing
nothing could be better than
popsicles
cotton candy
and rose-scented
grandmas.
Like the love story
with an ending happier
than I imagined
Like my favorite song
playing in rotation
forever
Like cookies baking
and I never have to hide
any
for
me.
Taking back
what is rightfully mine
looking back
only to smile
pushing back
worry or fear
standing back
as you go.
I deleted
pages
chapters
stanzas
that bled through bandages of lies
to write my new song lyrics
after our last goodbyes.
Magical melodies
resound
on the wings of my heart’s hope
on sighs of a quiet wish
on halos of light
now dancing
all around me
in
victory.
